1. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    Last summer, I ventured down the "rabbit hole". This temporary journey was concurrent with major life changes that were happening in my life ( i.e, a wife pregnant with twins, financial problems, questioning my religious beliefs, an eroding relationship with my seemingly narcissistic and BPD mother). A perfect storm, if you will, of anxiety-laden crises were all falling upon me at once. Hindsight being what it is, I look back at my brief period of "conspiracy research" with a healthy dose of shame and embarrassment, for allowing myself to abandon my critical thinking faculties and succumbing to largely unproven notions of global tyranny and oligarchy. Researching these conspiracies, I now believe, offered a convenient escape from the more pressing matters facing my day-to-day life. It also provided me with an immediate outlet for the sense of injustice I felt for my lot in life. "It couldn't possibly be my fault that my life is going so terribly", I reasoned. It must be "the system". However, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

    The true journey began in the summer of 2008. At work, I'd often tune into our local AM news station to keep current with politics and the local news of the day. It was during this time that a new radio program debuted at the 10:00am time slot. This was the first time I was introduced to The Glenn Beck radio program. Mr. Beck was not your typical political radio host. Emotional, fiery, and boisterous - he instantly managed to hold my attention like no other. This was not my first foray into listening to political talk radio. Over the years, I'd often listen to Rush Limbaugh every now and then. I identified with his message of financial, social, and moral conservatism. Rush was a bit controversial, but never veering into conspiratorial thinking - at least in comparison to Glenn Beck.

    Beck would often bring up the idea that the economy was on the brink of collapse. He was critical of progressives and suggested that they were part of a hidden hand organization, hell-bent on ushering in a communist government. He would cite the many progressive policies of past administrations. He particularly focused on eugenicists, Cass Sunstein, Obama, the Federal Reserve bank, and the Woodrow Wilson administration - just to name a few. Then, he started to become critical of the former Bush administration and its "big government" policies. I slowly felt my political ideology shifting decidedly toward Libertarian ideals. His emotional tirades were effective in swaying my political leanings. Rush then became passé. I was obsessed with following Glenn Beck and watching his chalkboard demonstrations on Fox News. This would prove to be short lived, however, as I began to lose interest in Glenn Beck after the 2008 election. Yet, his ideas did plant a dormant seed in my mind that would take root and begin to sprout in the summer of 2014.

    Summer 2014. Facebook. A friend posts a "Top Ten Most Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories" link. In the past, I would often read up on UFO stories just for fun. I even bought into Dr. Steven Greer's Disclosure Project shenanigans - somewhat. The post included a thumbnail of aliens, so I felt compelled to click the link. The list was ridiculous. It ran the gamut from Bigfoot to stargate portals in Iraq. Two out of the ten caught my attention, though. One was the idea that 9/11 was an inside job. I had remembered hearing Glenn Beck talk about 9/11 truthers and how disgusting their accusations were. The other was the Illuminati and their symbolism. These two things were my red pill down the rabbit hole - and down it, I did go.

    If Glenn Beck is a gateway drug, then Alex Jones is crack cocaine. A week into my initial investigating, I found YouTube and Alex Jones found me. At this point, I was sucking in his conspiracy narratives one by one. This game of connect-the-dots was intriguing and challenging ( contrary to the suggested idea by some that these theories are an oversimplification to understand a chaotic world). Alex Jones became the light post on my journey for truth. It was at this time that Bohemian Grove and NWO entered my lexicon. I spent weeks poring over videos and websites in order to learn about these subjects. My mind was accepting the idea that biblical evil truly existed in the highest reaches of world wide government.

    Being a fundamentalist Christian, at the time, seemed to only intensify my suspicions of a pervasive Satanic hierarchy at work to enslave humanity. I was convinced that former President George H.W. Bush and the Bohemian Grove members were blood-drinking, Satan-worshipping child molesters and killers. The gestation of this belief was wrought from researching the Franklin scandal and a book written, of the same name, by Sen. John DeCamp. To my mind, at least, the book was a plausible exposé of the government's abuse of power. The more shocking elements involved eyewitness testimony of satanic ritual murder at Bohemian Grove by alleged victim Paul Bonacci. The veracity of his claims were, for all intents and purposes, consistent with other such claims of ritual abuse at that time.

    The "satanic panic" of the 1980's and early 1990's, if you're not aware, is a well known period of history to conspiracists. As a brief overview, it involved ritual abuse accusations by parents and children at day care facilities across the United States. Many of these accusations were found to be without merit by a court of law and were outright dismissed. However, if you are already predisposed to being distrustful of government and its institutions - and those in a position of authority appear greedy, sinister, and dishonest - it's quite easy to accept the idea of a widespread cover-up when you've lost any and all objective reasoning. Then, add to that, Alex Jones' video taped "infiltration" of Bohemian Grove during the Cremation of Care ceremony. In these, you have the recipe for a compelling connect-the-dots scenario in the mind of the conspiracy theorist. If I may also add, as an aside, the various celebrity connections to the all pervasive Illuminati/ Satanic plot.

    The intrigue of such stories draws one in like a moth to a flame. You find that the worries and fears of life can be channeled toward your obsession - global conspiracy. You even find yourself neglecting relationships, responsibilities, and health. Other activities begin to pale in comparison to this noble cause. Such behavior can be likened to a gambler playing the slot machines in Las Vegas. He keeps trying to get the three cherry symbols to line up in a row for a jackpot. He finds himself investing more and more time and money into doing so. Days and weeks go by, and he continues pulling on the arm of the machine, hoping to win big. The day never comes. Yet, his enthusiasm never wanes. It becomes cathartic and dissatisfying all at once for him. This, in turn, just intensifies his need to win and keeps him coming back for more. Obsession becomes addiction.

    The tetrad blood moon prophecy was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was sure the world was ending last summer. I destroyed my television, my computer, my PS3, and a monitor - all in a fit of anger and shame over my erroneous belief that the Illuminati had subjected me to hidden symbology and talismans. This was my way of "getting right with the Lord" before the blood moon apocalypse arrived. What it really was, in hindsight, was a nervous breakdown from the amount of stress I was under, mentioned in the opening paragraph.

    Alas, the blood moon came and went, and so did my Christian faith. I was desperately trying to cling to something that I no longer rationally believed. On a subconscious level, I reasoned if I could find the devil in these conspiracies, I could somehow cling to my crumbling faith and it would prove God true. However, my doubts boiled to the surface after the failed blood moon prophecy and I desperately needed to hear the other side of the faith vs. reason debate. This is when I found Annie Besant's Librevox recording of "My Path to Atheism". I listened; She reasoned. My faith was finished; My heart was broken. Amidst this sorrowful grieving process over my lost faith, a new kind of hope arrived. The age of reason. I was no longer shackled to superstition or an invisible totalitarian deity. I didn't have to force myself to dislike homosexuals any longer. I didn't have to carry unhealthy guilt and shame over my own sexuality and how I expressed it. I didn't have to obsess over satanic government plots. I didn't have to fear an eternal hell. My mind felt healthy once again. I began to let go of my conspiracy beliefs the more I devoured literature from the likes of Thomas Paine and Robert Green Ingersoll. The truth has set me free.
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  2. Mick West

    Mick West Administrator Staff Member

    Thank you for sharing this. It's especially interesting as your transition from irrational faith to reason was so recent, and so extreme - from fearfully expecting the judgement of the apocalypse to embracing atheism and the age of reason.

    Given that it's so recent, have you found yourself swaying back towards your previous way of thinking at all? Or was it like flipping a switch, a total changeover from one state to another?
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  3. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    I was already an atheist subconsciously, but needed the nudge of a major disappointment (failed prophecy) to find the courage to challenge my Christian beliefs hard and steadfastly. I was clinging hard to faith much like a lover does when he/she knows the marriage is over but fights desperately to salvage it. As far as conspiracies are concerned, I have to fight hard even now against my preconditioned way of viewing authority and tragedy. It's still a process. For instance, a little conspiracy devil sits on my shoulder, whispering: "You know Oregon was staged, right? Even the sheriff thinks so". Then I'm brought back to reality when I realize that our military has soundwave weapons that can stop a person dead in their tracks. An itty bitty, teeny weenie assault rifle wouldn't be of much use and a militia full of bearded backwoods crazies would be useless against that sort of military might. More importantly, there simply is NO PROOF or HARD EVIDENCE of an all pervasive conspiracy to take away people's right to responsibly own firearms. At least now, when confronted with these news items, I have different tools from which I can contruct a conclusion thanks to enlightened thinkers like Hitchens, Paine, and Besant. The short answer is: I still struggle a bit
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  4. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    It's a matter of re-wiring the brain. If I can rely on the tools of logic and reason, I can then abandon the vices of superstition and bunk.
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  5. tadaaa

    tadaaa Active Member

    Great post RecoveringCT, and welcome back from the rabbit hole

    Quick question, do you think your your overly conspiratorial world view come from low self esteem in some way

    And contratulation on twins, I am lucky enough to have twins amongst my brood and although a confirmed athiest - I do feel blessed

    I know an oxymoron - but I am human after all
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2015
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  6. tadaaa

    tadaaa Active Member

    PS, I don't mean "low self esteem" in a overly critical way,

    It seems increasingly hard to live up to this perception (as presented in the media) of what "life and achievement" is supposed to be in the modern world

    It is as if 99% of the population are born to fail
  7. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    Thank you. I take no offense to you asking any question. Life is a journey, and we are all in the process of navigating through it with what we know and how our minds process data, whilst hoping to acquire more knowledge to get us to the next stage of development. To answer your question - I believe I vacillated between feelings of low self esteem and an overestimation of my own intellect. This also, I'm almost sure, contributed to my warped viewpoints. I now have a more anchored view of myself. I'm a high school drop-out that excelled in English and literature studies while attending. My punctuation and grammar skills are horrendous
    compared to the writers that Ive read and admire. I'm where I am at in life because I failed; no one else. My day in the sun has largely passed as far as having any aspirations to be a professional writer or author of subjects that interest me like history, religious studies, and philosophy. I run a machine for a living. I'm a self-described hermit and avoid social occasions as much as possible. I have really subpar social skills. Anything I've learned about human beings has largely been from my family, small group of friends, television, and print media. I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't expect others to either. We all make our own bed. I believe I have potential to be a better human being and contribute in some way - large or small - to humanity as a whole. I believe I am intelligent, but largely misguided. I believe we are not doomed to our past mistakes, but our present choices do impact our future course. I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong, but I may not be quick to notice when I am. I'm a work in progress.
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  8. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    Capitalism doesn't mix well with corporate greed.
  9. TWCobra

    TWCobra Senior Member

    Thanks for your story RCT. You openness is much appreciated. That can't have been easy to write.
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  10. BZNCrew

    BZNCrew New Member

    Great story and thanks for sharing. Very well articulated and inspiring.

    Not to dissuade you, but realize that faith in God and CT are different things. Faith in God is just that, totally based on faith. It is very personal and not something based on evidence you can touch or prove. However it can be felt and has value as that. For most, their faith provides peace and comfort.
    It also sounds like your faith was the typical guilt based faith in a punishing God that is judging your every breath. It doesn't have to be that at all. That is a faith that can be damaging.
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  11. deirdre

    deirdre Moderator Staff Member

    Don't say that. Your OP was mind-blowingly* well written. I was going to mention that when i first read it. beautifully put together and insightful to boot. They have editors to fix things like grammer and punctuation. You're young, you have plenty of time.. and with twins (cute cute) I imagine you'll find lots of things to write about.

    *try to avoid words like "mind-blowingly" though :)
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  12. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    Thank you. You're very kind.
  13. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    I respect people of faith. Most especially, those from the less judgmental denominations from which it appears you may belong. I just don't believe anymore. Too much reasonable doubt is ever present in my mind. There may very well be a "God". The problem is: Which one amongst the pantheon we are presented with - and from which text does one find He/She/It? Does such a text exist? Intellectually, the Christian bible is disqualified from such consideration, as I feel the jury of my mind has rested it's case - without prejudice. Thank you for the kind words and I'm genuinely grateful to be able to share my story and have this venue to do so.
  14. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    I'm more than happy to shed a light on this social issue if it can somehow help others in any way. Everyone at Metabunk has been fantastic and respectful toward me thus far. In turn, I feel more comfortable about being open about my experience.
  15. Joe

    Joe Senior Member

    Good Luck and Ill leave you with my favorite quote By Thomas Jefferson ,
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  16. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    One of my favorite quotes. Thank you.
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  17. derwoodii

    derwoodii Senior Member

    insightful well written your story to tell may help similar others
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  18. Cairenn

    Cairenn Senior Member

    Recovering CT, you write well, you may still have a future as a writer. I am 64 and I make sure I learn something new everyday. Along with new things in my art form I have on my short list, using a laser cutter and 3 D printers, and a lot of wood shop tools.

    I need to start writing, myself.
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  19. RecoveringCT

    RecoveringCT Member

    Thank you for the encouragement. I'll keep that in mind. Good luck with your aspirations as well.